


Of Fires (Internal and External)

by VanillAbby



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Addiction, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Angst, Catra (She-Ra) Needs a Hug, Catra hates chocolate, Child Abuse, F/F, Fire, Kinda?, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Pyromania, Scorpia has normal hands, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Shadow Weaver | Light Spinner (She-Ra)'s A+ Parenting, The author definitely isn't projecting, probably?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:33:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23111767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanillAbby/pseuds/VanillAbby
Summary: Catra is a compulsive pyromaniac trying her hardest to keep herself from lighting a fire. But addiction is a powerful thing and she doesn't have the tightest grip on sanity to begin with.
Relationships: Adora & Catra (She-Ra), Catra/Scorpia (She-Ra)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 65





	Of Fires (Internal and External)

**Author's Note:**

> Me: I need to pack and get ready for a flight in the morning  
> Also me: lol let's write a 2k word fanfic based on a dream I had last night and then take a three hour nap

The itch was unbelievable. Not a physical itch, but a mental one, one that burrowed deep beneath her skin and made her feel like her skin was trying to wriggle off of her. Catra wished she could say it was the worst thing she'd ever felt but she knew that'd be a lie.

Stupid Scorpia had Catra-proofed the house so there was nothing for her to burn. She'd even swapped out their gas stove for an electric one after she'd seen how Catra was staring. She wished Scorpia would get home soon. Much as she loathed to admit it, Scorpia was awfully good at getting this fucking feeling to go away.

God, it hurt. It hurt so bad. Every molecule in her body was screaming at her to run out, buy some matches or a cheap lighter and just burn a newspaper or something else that no one would miss. But she couldn't. For starters, that would mean challenging her fears of going outside which she was in no state to do. But more importantly, it would make Scorpia sad (or worse, give her that look of pity) and she hated seeing Scorpia sad. It was the strangest thing. For some reason, no matter how much she fucked up, Scorpia never got mad. She got disappointed, but not in the Weaver way that presaged a beating. That was almost worse. It made Catra actually want to apologize. All of the useless defiance of her youth, the desperate need to win against Ms. Weaver no matter what, just vanished when Scorpia looked at her with those big puppy dog eyes of hers. Even Adora couldn't do that. She regretted thinking about Adora. That just made the itch worse. It felt like she was wearing someone else's skin that didn't fit quite right.

She started rifling through kitchen cabinets, hoping beyond reason that Scorpia had messed up and left her something she could use. Of course, there was nothing. There wouldn't be. If there was, Catra would have used it already and Scorpia would have taken it.

She sat down on the couch in the way that Adora always mocked her for, knees up to her chest. It was just safer that way and no one else seemed to get that. Fuck. She needed release so bad. She looked down at her arms, dotted with scars from burns and cuts, and thought about fires she'd set in the past. A small one on her finger caught her attention 

_It was sophomore year of high school. Adora had held her hand earlier when they went to a gas station market. It was one of the few ways Catra could go anywhere without feeling like everyone was judging her. Plus holding her girlfriend's hand was plenty great on its own. She'd bought a lighter (earning a giggle and a "how do you go through those things so quickly?" from Adora) while Adora bought them a two pack of cheap shitty cupcakes, that they were now splitting on the roof of Ms. Weaver's house._

_Catra was showing off some lighter tricks, waving her hand through the fire, and watching how it flicked and danced. She was up here with the two most beautiful things in the world. It almost made her feel out of place. A third wheel to her girlfriend and an inanimate exothermic reaction._

_After Adora swallowed a comically large bite of processed cupcake substance, she turned to Catra with a serious look on her face._

_"You're failing history, aren't you."_

_Catra stopped, her face sinking, "what?"_

_"Don't try to lie. I saw your score on the midterm."_

_"Whatever, dude."_

_"Don't whatever me! A 29 percent is serious! Why didn't you tell me? I could make flashcards for you, or mnemonic devices. You know what Ms. Weaver will do when she finds out."_

_"It's okay, I'll just burn the evidence. It'll be our little secret. Just the two of us."_

_"You know she'll find out. She always does. And you know what she'll do to you-" she paused to sniff around. "Do you smell that? What on earth is it?" She looked around and noticed that Catra's index finger was still in the lighter's flame._

_"Oh my god! Catra!" She grabbed her hand by the wrist and yanked it out. "Are you okay?"_

_"Oh shit. Yeah, I didn't even notice. It doesn't hurt," she lied. She'd done it on purpose. The way Adora was being Ms. Weaver Junior hurt so bad. She needed a bigger pain to focus on instead, so she created._

_"Stay here, you dummy," Adora said, planting a kiss on Catra's cheek that made her heart soar, "I'm going to get the first aid kit."_

That memory didn't help one bit. If anything it just made her crave the feeling of her skin burning. And made her think about Adora which was never good because it made her remember-

_It was supposed to be a simple way to let the pressure out of her brain. Just take an eye dropper of some flammable chemical that AP chem had left in the corner of the class and drop a tiny bit on the little hot plates that they were using to boil water for an experiment. Just cause a quick jet of flame that would let her forget that Ms. Weaver had locked her in the closet last night with no food. Let her think about nothing but the fire and how it moved and how it made all the stress melt out of her brain._

_How was she supposed to know that Kyle had spilt stuff all over the room last period and Lonnie had covered for him so that no one bothered to clean it up. How was she supposed to know that it would cause half the room to go up. Next thing she knew, the fire alarm was ringing, students' school supplies were igniting and the fire sprinklers were causing the fire to dance in ways she'd never seen before, but not go out. It was amazing. She was pulled out of her reverie by the substitute teacher shouting at everyone to get out orderly. Which was not happening. The students were running outside and screaming. Catra followed behind, making sure to watch the way the fire was growing behind her. It was so beautiful. It made her brain turn to jelly and forget everything that had ever happened to her. She could barely remember Ms. Weaver even existed._

_She eventually made her way to the evacuation area, where the teachers were taking attendance to make sure no one was trapped inside. Everyone was fine, thank god. She could guiltlessly watch the fire grow while they waited for the fire department to put it out. She didn't notice Adora stomping up to her until her girlfriend was dragging her away to talk to her privately._

_"Catra, what the fuck?" Adora shout-whispered. She never swore. This was serious._

_"What?" Catra asked, unable to pull her eyes away from the blaze that was now up to the school's roof._

_"You know what. The only reason you aren't getting arrested right now is because no one knows you're the one who's been lighting fires in the bathroom trash cans! Fucking hell, Catra!"_

_Catra simply said, "Mhm"_

_Adora grabbed Catra's face and forcibly moved it to make eye contact with her. She'd seen Ms. Weaver do this time and again when Catra refused to look at her. She knew it worked then, so it might as well work now. Except Catra's eyes were still vacantly staring out at the inferno._

_"Jesus Christ, Catra. We're fucking done."_

_Catra snapped back into focus and she realized what was going on. She tried to slither out of Adora's grasp, but Adora held on to her hair._

_"Wh- What?" Catra asked, tears welling up in her eyes._

_"You heard me. We're done. People could have been killed by your little stunt."_

_"But they weren't," Catra weakly muttered._

_"Don't even look at me or talk to me until you've turned yourself in. I get why Ms. Weaver hates you now."_

_Catra's mind flooded back up with every bad thing Ms. Weaver had ever done to her. While Adora barely did anything to help. She kneed Adora in the crotch and dashed off, trying to find a spot where she could hide and stare at the fire without thinking about what just happened. But she couldn't stop thinking. Her brain was replaying all of it again and again and the firefighters were putting out her "little stunt" and-_

"I'm home! You would not believe the deal they had on candy, so I got you a bunch of dots and me a bunch of chocolate," Scorpia called out, pushing open the door with her leg, since her arms were full of grocery bags. She dropped the bags when she saw Catra sitting there trying her hardest not to cry. 

"Oh jeez, are you okay?"

Catra shook her head no.

"Is it, uh, alright if I hug you?" Scorpia asked, sitting next to her on the couch. 

Catra nodded. It was an awkward hug, Scorpia having to reach her arms around Catra's legs, but she made it work. 

"What's going on?" Scorpia asked, nuzzling her head against Catra's shoulder. 

"I need a lighter. Or a match, even one that isn't strike anywhere. Please please please, I need it," Catra begged and pleaded. She was pathetic. She hated herself.

"I'm sorry, but no," Scorpia said firmly. She hated doing this to Catra. It was awful but she needed to do it for Catra's sake.

"I hate you! I fucking hate you and I hope you rot in hell!" Catra spat, her words becoming barely comprehensible through her tears.

"I know, Wildcat, I know," Scorpia said, squeezing her girlfriend tighter. 

After a few minutes of Catra hurling more insults her way in between noisy sobs, Catra finally calmed down. 

"Take deep breaths," Scorpia reminded, "four seconds in, hold for two seconds, exhale for eight."  
Catra complied, the occasional sniffle interrupting her breath. 

"Feeling better?"

"Except for you crushing me with your freak strength, yeah," Catra said, forcing herself to smirk.

"Oh! Uh, sorry." 

Catra gave her a kiss that made her heart soar. "Thank you," she mumbled.

Scorpia grinned her annoyingly sincere grin and kissed back. "You're welcome, Wildcat."

They stayed like that for a bit, before Scorpia got up to put the groceries away. "I know last time you told me never to bring it up again, buuuut," she said, loudly enough to reach the living room, "do you think I can get you to see a therapist this time? I promise they won't judge. And they have online therapists now so you don't even have to go outside if you're having a bad day."

Catra sighed. "You know what? I'll do it for you."

Scorpia ran over like a Rottweiler who just heard their owner come home and squeezed Catra so tightly that she coughed. "You really mean it?" she asked, before adjusting her grip so that it was less of a grapple.

"Yeah, you big dork. Gotta pay you back for being nice to me somehow."

"I love you!" Scorpia practically shouted. Catra smiled. Scorpia loved her with no conditions or restrictions or judgement and definitely no hitting. She was almost glad Adora broke up with her. 

"Love you too."

**Author's Note:**

> Somewhere out there, there is a fic where Adora comes to grips with her childhood and deeply regrets the stuff she did to Catra in this fic. I'm not going to write it, but let's pretend it exists.


End file.
